People
I finished reading Boyhood by J. M. Coetzee yesterday. I started reading this after “the wisest man in Iceland” recommended another book by the author: Youth. Upon learning this was part of a sequence of books, I started with the first one. When I finished, I decided it was finally time to update my book review page. Going through the few books I’ve read since the last update in November was interesting. Similarly, I’ve taken the past few days off work where I watched season seven of Black Mirror and season two of The Rehearsal. Normally, I wouldn’t specify these books or shows, but the timing and subject matter all stand out to me.
The topics at hand are: love, romance, human psychology, the self, interpersonal relationships, and interactions. I’ll throw the idea of experience into the mix. Who we are is shaped by our environment — that is how life works. It’s a fact we can’t change. We can, however, change ourselves. The first step is recognition and acknowledgement. The second is active change. What does any of this look like?
After ending my relationship, I spent a lot of time thinking about life and my own goals and wishes. What I want is a world, not a place. It’s a big world. There are many places. I decided that I would go to France. I spoke to her about it, and the situation remains as it was. Nevertheless, I decided life is about the story of that life. I realized that if I stay in Iceland, then I will most probably always be in Iceland. There’s nothing wrong with that, but like I said: the world is a big place. I may as well spend some time out in it. Hence my reconsideration.
In twenty years, the last thing I would ever want is to look back on my life and see some decision I made and wonder whether I should have done something else instead. The worst would be identifying decisions I did not make. I shall remain here in Iceland; that is settled. Having that conversation was worthwhile.
The question, then, is what do I do? What factors resulted in my willingness to leave? I think above all else, it was the loss of permanence here, as I wrote about previously. Everything is left unfinished, undecided, uncertain. Therefore, I must finish, decide, and make certain. What things? I don’t know. I’ll need to take the time to figure that out.
People are what matter. As I have learned, an education doesn’t grant a life. A job doesn’t grant a life. A home doesn’t grant a life. Society doesn’t. Culture doesn’t. Only people. I’m lacking people. I’m starting new groups. I have a new plan moving forward. I always have a plan — and a backup plan… and a fallback plan for that. I cannot fail. Nobody can: failure isn’t possible. Failure is what it takes to learn, grow, and succeed. Yet everything I have tried has failed: so many groups and projects. Even interpersonal relationships. Do I care? Not really. It would be great to see everything succeed, but the worst place I can end up is back where I started. This place isn’t so bad.
People. How do we involve people? How do we engage, interact, build relationships, and live? How do we build meaningful connections and become our actual selves? It all comes down to experience. The willingness to try. If nothing else, to try. To try to interact. To try to build connections. To try to engage and connect people. It can be done anywhere in the world with any people. That is why I decided I was willing to leave Iceland: people are everywhere. They can be found. Relationships can be built.
The importance is personal values. Some people are selfish. I have a friend, for example; I think my sole purpose in her life is to be an ear for her to rant. She calls me once or twice a month and talks all about her life, never asking about mine or listening to me when I try to speak. I would call that selfish, but she doesn’t know it. So when she goes through friend after friend, I am a source of consistency. Am I wrong to entertain that kind of relationship? I don’t think so. If it helps her — it doesn’t hurt me. I’m not bound to pick up when she calls. I sometimes choose not to answer.
Other people are genuinely seeking something. I had a friend who looked up to me in a way that gave me a sense of purpose. But also fear in the sense of, “Who am I for anyone to look up to?” We met often, talking about art and how to live — how to be ourselves and get the most from life. She left the country, like most of my friends, and we never spoke again.
Yet others share the same thoughts and ideas, like my friend with whom I started my artist collective. It’s over now, unfortunately, but that relationship was also fulfilling and incredibly meaningful in its own way. All of these relationships started with me putting myself out into the world: casting fear aside and simply trying. Trying and failing and trying again. Someone else will show up, sooner or later. Nothing is worth doing alone. Not when there’s an entire world to be lived in.
This post is more for my own sake than anything else: to remind me why I’m here and what I’m doing. I’ll admit that I need to take a break. Too much has happened too fast, and now it’s time to step back for short while. Maybe I’ll go spend some time in another country. Maybe I’ll roam the Icelandic countryside once more. Maybe I’ll stay home and read all day. I don’t know.
Life happens. There’s nothing we can do about that. We can neither encourage nor prevent it from happening. I’m not religious, and I don’t believe in any kind of god, but I do believe there is some kind of order to everything that happens. “Things could be different.” But they aren’t. That is life. We could all be happy. We could succeed in everything we try. The world could be a better place. So why are we here? as we are? right now? I believe there is meaning in that. That meaning isn’t ours to ever find or understand. Rather, we should acknowledge it and thereby trust that whatever we decide to do will result in something, whatever that may be.
However, we must do. Without doing, there is nothing to happen. I spent 24 years of my life in a room. Nothing happened until I went out. So trust me on that one.