People and the World

It was confirmed today that my boss cheated on my friend with another coworker. They were together for six years. I don’t feel comfortable with that — with him. My company removed the HR manager. They made my boss also the entire HR department, as in, he does literally everything. Who can I tell that I’m uncomfortable, then? It’s quite frustrating that people like this exist. I already knew he couldn’t care less about me or anyone else in the company as people. We’ve begged for the simplest of things to ease our burdens, but nothing ever happens. But enough complaining about work.

I had the most wonderful day on Saturday. I returned from my trip on Friday, then began the next day with the discussion group, then a picnic in the park with some friends and some others I haven’t hung out with before. After the picnic, we went to see another friend at a marketplace selling her crafts. Then, I went to one of my favorite places in the city with one of these new people where we had a very nice conversation. Another new girl joined, and the previous guy went home for a bit. So she and I talked for some time before everyone else rejoined us. We played some games and talked, then I went home to rest before going to a birthday party.

At the party, I saw yet more friends, new and old. I had a great time with every single person for the entire day. I started the day at 9:30 and finished at 1:00 the next morning. An entire day surrounded by these people. I arranged with that girl to help me pick up furniture the next evening and move it into my place. We arrived too early, so we walked around and talked, then managed the furniture (with great difficulty).

I felt incredibly inspired by all this: all these people. My mind hasn’t been in the best place all this time, but it’s incredibly helpful to spend time with them. That was Saturday and Sunday. Monday wasn’t so great. Neither was yesterday. I met with my business partner yesterday, and she said and did some bothersome things. I learned she ghosted the anthropologist that was following us, for example. She’s also leaving the project in August. Today, however, was nice. I started with a beautiful hike/walk with a friend. Then I had my reading group where I caught up with two friends (and learned about what I opened this post with). After that, I read poetry at another monthly event.

Now, I’m avoiding bed because I’m not really looking forward to tomorrow. It’s nice being around people (my two good days), but being alone when my mind is in a rut like this is not nice (such as tomorrow). It’s frustrating when, for example, I need to go to the store, but I’m not in the mood, so I don’t. Such a simple thing. I was also rejected from that photography store I was so hopeful about. It doesn’t help.

There’s a lot I wish I could write about, but I can’t. I reached out to a friend I haven’t seen in a while, and we’ll meet on Monday. I want to try to do better about keeping up with the people I call closer friends. It’s hard for me. I told that to my friend on the hike today. He said I’m an extrovert: “Whenever there’s an event or something going on, you’re always there.” He’s right. I wouldn’t dare call myself an extrovert, but I always feel better around people. I’m not sure what to make of that.

Anyway, I find myself feeling incredibly grateful for all the people I’ve found in this small city. I find it so beautiful that a brand new connection would help me move furniture like that. I have a life where I can meet such people. It’s profound, and I’m deeply appreciative of it. So, when I’m alone and things don’t feel right, I still wonder what the cause of it is. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel productive knowing that I’ll soon be returning to my relationship-cheating, friendship-ruining, management-worshipping overlords.

I stopped working in the office because I couldn’t take it. The guy who supervised me was an incredibly talented photographer/videographer/producer. And where does all his talent go? To this company, posting Instagram reels and YouTube shorts. It killed my soul sitting in that office. The prestige and pay-raise were not worth it. In fact, I vehemently hated it. I also worked with the girl my boss cheated with. Her life is social media and the company. I disliked her from the start, but knowing this other story just fills me with disgust for all of them.

And none of that is even what’s weighing on me right now. I can’t write about it, not yet. I think that weighs on me equally so: not being able to write about heavy things.

I think my conclusion, as I stay up far too late for no reason, writing into the next day because I need to get out my thoughts, is that the world is a messed up place that needs to change. I had a great conversation with my friend who founded the discussion group a few days ago. We talked about expanding our group to become an encompassing community: having dinners, movie nights, and other such things. This is an idea I keep trying to spread: engaging people through community. There’s nothing else with any meaning in this world. I would know. The support group I have in this place is unbelievable. The only problem is that I don’t know what I’m doing.

Everything I’ve accomplished with my life isn’t because I’m good at anything or want to do or be anything. Everything I’ve accomplished has come from a place of fervent frustration. I hate the world and everything modern society stands for. Believe it or not, I hate it with a passion even greater than the hate I have for the management of my company. All any of us are trying to do is live our lives. It shouldn’t be so hard — certainly not so painful. I know throwing around the idea of hate isn’t a good or healthy thing to do, but that’s the kind of mood I’m in right now. That’s honestly the kind of mood I have been in for the past week because of my trip. Because of that wise man surrounded by all those books. Daring to talk about freedom and happiness.

I’m really disgusted by my boss’s behavior. I’ve seen so much nonsense and so many stupid things in my life, but this is the last straw for me. The girl he was with is a good friend of mine — someone I really, really like. She’s a very good person who doesn’t deserve something like that happening to her. Meanwhile, his entire life is the company. He does literally nothing else. She used to tell me that she never even saw him because of that. How has the world come to this?

I’ve been applying to other jobs for two years. I would argue that I have a vibrant and successful career… but one that loses me money. Thus making me unemployable because I’m not in the healthcare industry or education (the only two sectors hiring in this country). Yes, I’m doing my best to build my own, independent career, but it’s just all so frustrating. I offered most of my shifts for exchange next month. Maybe I won’t actually give them away, but the thought of working there is repulsive right now. Which is such a shame because I absolutely love my coworkers.