The Question Why

I’ve had a lot going on. I guess that’s kind of how life goes. I did write yet another post that I never shared a week or two ago. But things are always changing, so by the time I write it, everything is different. Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot recently about Why? What I mean by that is the question of why we do or don’t do certain things.

I’ve been drowning under financial obligations this year due to my store. Meanwhile, my partner and I are trying to buy a new apartment. Ours doesn’t work for us anymore (and never really did), and after spending a week in Scotland last month, we decided that the peace of mind of a more suitable place is very much necessary right now. The problem is that I still haven’t found any work. I have done a massive photo shoot for a confirmation which I did for free and realized I will never do for free again. That drained me.

I also have two exhibits coming up. I managed to secure a showing in the most beautiful food hall in the country in June on their giant display screens that fill the walls. In July, I’ll be showing on the outside wall of the city art museum. That makes me feel good, but I still haven’t ever sold a single piece of my art. Not that I’ve really tried.

Which brings me to the question of why: Why have I not really tried? Why am I not reaching out to all my contacts to find work? Why am I not putting my art out there more? Why am I not taking full advantage of my opportunities to figure life out and get/achieve what I want?

It’s a complicated topic. Personally, it comes down to pressure. I wrote before about some struggles going on. Those have since been resolved (other than the financial). When there’s so much pressure and so many overwhelming things going on in life, there’s not space to really do or be anything. Put simply, I was tired. And rest meant withdrawing.

I met recently with my previous landlord — an incredibly kind woman who I’ve stayed in touch with. She told me a lot about her life story. The day before, another guy I met had told me his life story. This came at the same time my partner and I began viewing new apartments and figuring our own lives out… also the same time I got this opportunity in June. A lot happened all at once. The result of everything was that I began to think of what everyone has told me: how certain actions had colored their entire lives.

The last thing I want is some action — or inaction — to affect my future negatively. For example, if I don’t put my work out there, then I’ll never truly become an artist. I watched something recently which had a beautiful message: the difference between those who are lucky and those who are unlucky is that the lucky people pursue more opportunities. It makes perfect sense: the more tries you take, the more likely you are to succeed. If you hide yourself away, nothing will ever come of it — you will never have the chance to be “lucky.”

So, I decided to give up my store and my office and focus on what actually matters to me. I love my store. I love my office. But they drain me with worry and responsibility and pressure that I simply don’t have space for. Not too long ago, I was walking along the coast to my favorite second-hand store when I paused by the shore to watch some waves lap against the rocks. I had a feeling of wishing I could simply sit and watch the waves. However, I had to go to the store and look for a specific item and meet my time constraints for the day while maintaining my budget, etc. Not very peaceful. It made me emotional because all I want to do, still, is sit and play the piano. I never have that chance because I have no peace. Hence all my decisions.

Nothing is simple. The store has a six-month notice period, and my business partner is still traveling. I can’t take action on that until he’s back, then there are six months to deal with. The office has all my stuff in it and also has a notice period. I can’t just get rid of it. A new apartment comes with stresses and worries of its own. The ones we’re looking at don’t have any appliances, for example. Or floors. It will be a lot of work to get it ready.

I think the key takeaway from everything and all my rambling here is that if we address the tasks and responsibilities in our life one by one, we can decide which are important, which serve us, and which are burdens. No matter how hard it is, we must release those burdens for our own sake, identify which things bring us meaning or joy and figure out ways to spend more time on them, and also decide what needs to simply get done so we can move on — various tasks and obligations. The scariest is letting things go. I’m quite scared of what will happen with my business partner if I tell him I’m done with the store. But it’s for the sake of my own life and well-being. I can’t be worried about the outcome, then, because I’m doing this so I can move on with my life.

In the meantime, I’m completing my tasks that have needed to be done for some time. I moved around more furniture, listed some things online to be given away and already got rid of some annoying things. I’m catching up on all the work I didn’t do because I “didn’t feel like it” or wasn’t in the mood or whatever excuse there was. I’m doing it all and moving onwards and forwards with my life. No more staying stuck in the past or in circumstances that don’t suit me. Because all I want to do is sit in peace for a few hours and play the piano, and I will make this dream a reality.