When Everything Falls Apart

My past few posts have been detailing the slow collapse of my world around me. To my amazement, things have continued to grow even worse. However, it turns out there really is something to it all. The universe can’t truly be against someone, though there was a point when I could only look at everything crumbling and ask myself if I am meant to be the modern Job. I’ll start by detailing the madness that happened after my last post, then I’ll reveal the beautiful reality underneath it all:

So, the situation with where I was staying wasn’t the best. I’m someone who needs space, and so is my partner. Then try cramming us together into one room in a busy apartment. Needless to say, there were some problems. We took some time apart which was incredibly difficult and involved painful circumstances. I moved back into my construction zone which drove me mad, because I have literally no space except my desk in the corner. The rest of my apartment is either under construction or storing all the things we had to move for the construction.

That caused me to feel rather down. But, there were some guys who were ready to take over my store and free me from that burden. I felt good about that. They were supposed to take over on the 1st of August. It is now the 5th of August, and I just payed rent, so you can guess what happened there. That was another harsh blow.

Then, my partner had more issues regarding the living arrangement that I just left, so she moved out, too. All the while, I struggled with not having the space I need to do anything, let alone do new things like the piano. I grew quite down and distanced myself from my partner. No movement with things. No help with anything. I felt completely stuck. Then, the city itself called me.

They asked if it was me, the owner of my apartment. I told him it was. His message was that I’ve received an official complaint about my building’s trash area. He said we owners of the property must clean it or face a fine. Well, I wasn’t even living here, and I also own the smallest apartment. One other guy owns the other 88% of the building and rents it all out. I then proceeded to take out my trash for the first time since moving. What I found was a mountain of filth. It had been raining for two weeks without stop. And there was a mountain of rotten, decomposing filth, thrown around the entire yard. Every square meter. It was wet, it stank, and I wrote the other owner for help who ignored all my messages as usual. So guess who had to clean the entire area, alone, because he doesn’t want a fine? And then one project I help curate decided to dump a heap of responsibility in my hands.

I was not feeling well all this time. There’s nothing worse than bad day after bad day, then needing to come home alone to a mess of a construction site with no space to live in and no peace to be found anywhere. In my frustration, I sent messages to everyone, including my real estate agent and the store people, to just get stuff done. No answers. Then I had more serious relationship problems. To top it all off.

Where is there light to be found in the midst of all this? I think that’s exactly the point: to be in complete darkness. Because there came a moment when I looked at these absurd circumstances and thought about what I can do when it feels like there is nothing I can do. There was some piano software on sale, so I spent some time looking into it and trying it out. I then found a musician while looking into things. I saw some of his recent work which was a beautifully expressive and evocative approach to story telling. His stories reached me in a way I needed to be reached.

Long story short, I discovered the world of creative psychology as well as philosophy. I spent days absorbing as much as I possibly could. Underlying it all was a simple message: be bored. I’ve been so tired every single day, so overwhelmed. What I have not been is bored with all that was happening. For the first time in a long time, I decided to just do nothing and lie on my bed with the sun shining on it. I didn’t even sleep or rest, but when I got up, I felt not tired for the first time in a long time.

Soon after, I decided to make myself sit in front of the piano. And behold, I started to play it. I made myself hold a book, and who would have guessed, I started reading again. As I write this, believe it or not, I am writing again, too. Something had clicked deep within me, and I went on an intense journey of understanding myself and my mental state.

I took what I learned and started to fix things. First myself. Then my relationship. Then my life. I had a brilliant realization after: I can be happy under any circumstances if I would simply do the things that I want to do and that bring me joy. Like committing to playing the piano, reading, etc., even when I don’t feel like it. Similarly, if I merely accept that what I have is enough, then I suddenly don’t need a perfect space and a perfect setup to enjoy things. I can enjoy things now. As I am. I pushed aside my pile of stacked furniture next to my desk and made a spot for my piano. Now I play every day.

I then met a friend and had a wonderful talk with him right after a similar and wonderful conversation with my partner. We spoke about these kinds of things at a waterfall. I walked back to that park today and wrote down a thought along the way that I think perfectly captures what I’ve learned from all these experiences:

Magic is what we perceive to be magic. If you do not believe in it, you will never experience it.

Simply put, I believed the universe was against me, making my life into some cosmic joke. That made me depressed and miserable. And as soon as I started to believe that I could have control again, I “magically” gained control. I actually have quite the magical story that I’m not yet ready to share that involves “the magic of the universe.” Regardless, I learned a lot. I learned to believe in magic again, and then I started to notice it all around. The carpenters even called today and are finishing everything. I finally have a floor. I never thought I would say that having a floor is such a blessing.

Another time, I wrote the following that describes what had happened in my head prior to this: “I held the world in my hands, but it was an inconvenience to carry. I set it on a shelf so I could go about my day.” All I had to do was pick it back up and start to appreciate it. Now I’m being flooded by good news.

In conclusion, nothing can ever be as bad as your mind. It is what determines your circumstances and life situation. Because you can’t see something you don’t believe even exists — you would never even look for it.