Where Have I Been?
If you know me personally, I haven’t been around much this year. If you follow me online, you’ll know I haven’t been very present. I didn’t want to write about things until they resolved, but they most certainly did in the most unexpected way.
Long story short, I have been in an abusive relationship. We were engaged — which I never shared because she didn’t want anyone to know (red flag, I guess). Engaged for one year. She broke up with me a few days ago (after I took her on her “dream trip” to Venice for her 30th birthday) and had the gall to tell me this evening that she’s going to date another guy that she “has been speaking to online.” I deeply believe she has borderline personality disorder which a psychologist explained to me this week. Suddenly, it all made sense. She denies that, but here is where I have been:
I asked her to put the knives in a separate spot to dry. She proceeded to yell at me for an hour until I was crying about how dare I tell her what to do and think I’m right and know everything. I left bread on the counter in an “improper” bag. She proceeded to yell at me for a few hours about how I don’t care about her. She had outbursts all the time, calling me weak, pathetic, unmanly, stupid, chicken, etc. Once she told me she must now sleep with other men because I’m so disgusting. She used to hit herself with wine bottles when she was really overwhelmed. Then say that I made her do it by not holding her feelings properly (thus, all her friends hate me). I would ask, “How can I hold you feelings better?” She would tell me. I would do it. Then, she would yell at me for making things worse.
After these outbursts, I would: Ask her what I can do better. Talk to my parents to get their advice. Talk to my friends for theirs. Reflect in my journal. Research online. Of course, everyone said she was abusive, but I loved her and focused on her good progress. All I wanted was to make peace. I was desperate to learn how to handle her outbursts properly — to make her feel better. We used to have a great time together as friends. We were best friends for a whole year before getting together. That’s why I stayed.
Anyway, this drained all my energy. Somehow, everything was my fault, and no matter what I did, it was never good enough. When I got depressed, she dumped me for “dimming her light.” I wrote her a huge apology letter, and we got back together. She yelled at me practically every single day. I would tell her, “Let’s calm down before talking,” or, “I don’t want to be angry at you, let’s take some space,” or, “We can talk about this another time when we’re calm.” But no. We must finish all conversations on the spot. I would beg for space for myself to calm down, but she would push me, grab me, block the doors — do anything she could to prevent me from leaving. One time, I was so overwhelmed, I pushed past her (with warning). She proceeded to lose it over how terrifying I was and how could I do that to her.
She’s thrown my food on the floor, hit me, lied to me (somehow “for my benefit”), belittled me, and so on. Sure, I wasn’t perfect myself. But I was desperate to learn and improve. She would always tell me what was wrong with me, and I would ask her to help me work on whatever it was. She refused, saying I must do it on my own because she “will not be my mother.”
Believe me, I could go on and on and on and on. And on. I would never dream of sharing this online, but she crossed the line today. Over a year. Engaged. And now she’s dating another guy. I guess I’m really just writing this in the hopes that someone in her family will read this and try to get her help. Or, maybe someone can convince me that it’s alright for her to move on so fast… Actually, I write that, and I now wonder why in the world that’s my first thought. What about her hitting, screaming, yelling, self-harm, etc.? Maybe I’m messed up now, too.
In the end, I did the work on my own, like she asked. I began researching psychology more seriously, turned my depression around, and worked on my own self-worth. What stood out was the very simple idea of how anyone deserves to feel in a relationship. I deserve to feel loved by my own partner. I deserve to feel cared about. I deserve respect. I deserve to be heard. I do not deserve anger and rage. I began to tell her this which is when the relationship really hit rock bottom.
She would cry on the floor and hit the walls and bang the floor because I would say, “Do not treat me like this, or I’m going outside.” Then, she would tell me how horrible of a person I was (also to her friends) because I didn’t immediately cry out in sorrow and say that I was so sorry for hurting her. She would tell me how cold and mean I was for that. I was the problem for not knowing how to handle her emotions.
Borderline personality disorder. Mental health isn’t a joke. How is anyone supposed to help someone who doesn’t want help? I won’t sit here and diagnose someone myself, but all the signs are there as far as I’m concerned.
I don’t want to post this online, but I will never be able to move on with my life unless this is off my chest and out there in the wild. I just want to know that I have this right. Please, do tell me if anything sounds like I was wrong for whatever I did. If you know me, invite me to a conversation, show me that I was wrong about something. I want to know if you have a different perspective to show me.
Moving on, I’m planning to get back into my art. I have nothing more to say and will say nothing more about this in the future. There’s a lot I want to write about like how to meet people, how to build connections, how to live the life you want, how to achieve your dreams, how to be an artist. I’ve been absolutely drowning in unexpressed creativity all this time, so I’m at least happy I’ll be able to unleash it. I also got a job (very part time) and fixed my apartment. Only up from here.
I leave you with my first ever produced poem. This is the kind of thing where my time and energy will go to from now on. Thank you Geoffrey for the music and the opportunity: