Why I Write a Blog

I got a talking-to today at work. I won’t be surprised if I’m fired soon. The topic of my blog came up, related to the cheating incident: my blog has been “discovered.” It was unrelated to the talk I received, but I write about my life. Work is part of my life; naturally, I spend a lot of time there. I never really have anything good to say about it. The short version of the talk is that I’m probably not the right type of person for the job after some recent changes. I’ve been working there for 14 months, and I estimate that I have the second-highest number of hours worked out of all the employees; I worked a number of months around 200 hours before going part-time. 14 months, so many hours, and I’ve never once had a problem at work. Yet here I am.

If a higher-up saw my raw expressions here about my thoughts and feelings towards my workplace, why would they keep me? I don’t like the customers. I don’t like people in general. I never wanted to work in a customer-facing job. When I have the energy, I can fake it well enough. Recently, I haven’t had the energy. Truthfully, I just don’t care anymore. All I need to do is smile at the people coming in, direct them, talk to them. But I don’t want to. I’m not in the mood, and I would rather be fired than force myself to smile at someone. Someone else told me not to write about these kinds of things for a while (so I don’t get fired), but that made me wonder: Why do I write a blog in the first place?

I think there are two reasons. First of all, I’m only human. I’m a real person living a real life exactly the same as anyone else. I find comfort in the fact that I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings with the void that is the internet and someone will connect with it all. I was told about a woman who picks up Between My Lines when she’s feeling down and flips through it. Last year, a guy contacted me after reading my blog, and we had some great discussions over the phone. I don’t like social media: I want to share my soul, not mere curated snippets of my life. Other people relating to these topics brings my life meaning. I can reach people. I write endlessly about the idea of changing the world. If I want to have any affect on this world whatsoever, then I must do something to reach people. Even if it’s something so simple as writing a blog.

The second reason is personal: to think, reason, and reflect on my own life. There’s something particular about writing my thoughts knowing that quite literally anyone could read them — family, coworkers, friends, complete strangers. I feel like it makes me articulate and experience my thoughts differently. My journal writing looks completely different because I know that only I will ever read it. Though online, I usually end up ranting or sidetracking about something, but that’s perfectly fine. This is all a different form of expression, no different than my literary writing or artwork.

My intention is never to speak poorly of anyone or anything. I’m simply sharing my thoughts and feelings. Of course, I also never intend to identify anyone or anything. But like I said, I’m a real person living a real life. There are, therefore, real people involved. I’ve never had any problems with that, not even when the very people I write about (anonymously) read these posts. In fact, I don’t write anything I wouldn’t say directly to someone’s face. The difference is that I don’t want to say these things to people’s faces. To me, writing about how someone hurt me is more healing than going to that person and saying, “You hurt me.” I forgive these people. I move on. I don’t hold grudges. But I write about my experiences.

Is my workplace a living nightmare that consumes my soul? In actuality, no. Does it disturb me deeply? Yes, it does at times. Above all else, it’s frustrating. I mentioned that I probably have the second-most hours in the company. Nobody could care less about what I have to say. I’ve tried. Nobody listens. Nobody cares. They’re too busy cheating on their partners with each other to be bothered by us lowly employees. For example, why not put footprint outlines in front of the automatic door, like I suggested last year? Every other day of my life, I tell countless people, “You can walk up to that door, it’s automatic.” So, you can imagine my frustration. Such a simple solution, but lack of caring results in 14 months of pain. The reason it drains my soul is because the solutions are so simple to all my complaints.

Nevertheless, I don’t live there. I have my life outside of work. I went part time, and I pursue other endeavors. This takes me back to my main motivation with all my personal work: frustration with the world. I believe that I can build a good, meaningful life in any circumstance. That’s what I’m doing at this moment. Yet these people who won’t put footprint outlines on the floor are the same people who own half the city (I unknowingly bought my apartment from my company’s owner). They’re the ones who hire us and fire us. They’re the ones who lobby governments and cause financial crises (our finance guy was literally in prison for that). What is any individual supposed to do?

Well, the only thing we have control over is our own little circle: the people we interact with regularly and/or call our friends. I love my friends. I love the people I have in my life. I also have bills to pay. How do we find balance? I also love Iceland, from the language to the culture. That’s why I teach Icelandic for free. I’m also not fluent, so I don’t feel like charging is yet reasonable. I do photoshoots for free. I host events for free. I ran an entire business for free. The money is meaningless to me. What use is money without a life full of meaning and purpose?

That is what goals are for. I will become fluent in Icelandic, and I will charge for my lessons one day. I will charge for photoshoots and sell my artwork. I’ll continue writing books and selling those. One day, I will charge for workshops and host paid events. That time is not now. Hopefully soon, but not today.

My point is that life grows and encompasses. It starts out with small things here and there: a menial job becomes a writing group becomes a business. A simple invitation to an event grows into a wonderful friendship. A curious question grows into the opportunity to host a festival. Eventually, those things that do grow will grow into a life itself: perhaps a better job or some other source of revenue.

So, why do I write a blog? Because it’s a something. Because I seek meaning in this world. Because I seek connection. Because I seek humanity. I don’t know who I am to anyone else. I don’t know what anyone else thinks of me or how they consider me. I don’t really care. All I know is that I’m human — filled with thoughts and feelings, desires and wishes, hopes and dreams, goals and aspirations. I have two friends who wrote blogs of their own for a short time. I enjoyed seeing into the inner workings of their minds; I can hope others enjoy mine the same way.

I’ll share some (abbreviated) messages I’ve received regarding my various projects over the past two years. This is my reason for being — why I write a blog, even if it gets me fired. Nothing brings me more joy than hearing that I inspired people in some way:

Hello… When you told that story… I could relate to that. I was kind of glad that I finally met someone who wasn't like most people, who saw how messed up the world is… Anyways this might all make no sense or maybe it does. Just wanted to share what was on my mind.

Jonathan reading your blog was like looking back to pieces of my own journal with the same questions and wondering what does happy in my life look like? What does happy look like in a career? What does happy enjoy look like in my art? And am I pursuing things in my life now that are making me happy or I just feel I’m doing it because of the necessity of having to live in this current world with all of its trappings, but yet so much possibility.

Jonathan, it is fascinating to read about your life… I have always longed to move abroad and change life directions, but never did… I self-isolated a lot throughout my life while, longing for relationships at the same time. Im looking forward to reading more!

Thank you Jonathan for this new entry. I was going to post in the previous blog that I read a few pages from, “I Killed God” when you first released your book. However, I didn’t know where my post fit. It’s taken me a few days to write.
As it goes I was thinking about my relationship with… I was upset felt abandoned by him and God. Then, your book released and I was immediately drawn to the title. It validated my feelings…

I am encouraged by you writing all of your experiences. It never ceases to amaze me how most people on this planet are so lonely, despite the billions of others around us. And how many people must have tremendous creativity to share but are afraid. I have been thinking of starting something… and have started creating a website… I always think – of course there must be a couple like-minded people around who would be interested in sharing thoughts, ideas, art, life?! …So why not do it for me and see if it catches on? Thank for sharing your process because it has helped me see the possibilities.